By: Woodrow Lucas
Adam sat on his toilet with the barrel of a 12 gauge shotgun pressed up into his mouth. He tried to pull the trigger, but as he tried, he burst into tears. He got off of the toilet and hid the shotgun. He walked into his living room and fell on the floor. He began to pray, “Jesus!! Please hear me!! I am on the edge of taking my own life. And I see no way forward. I feel utterly alone in this world. And I pray and pray to you and receive no answers. I know that I have plenty of friends, but they all expect me to be the perfect family man who owns a successful business. I mean Jesus I single handedly built a business that handles the billing for more than half the Healthcare companies in Nashville. But in this moment, I feel like a pariah. My wife loves me dearly, but she has no idea that I have been cheating on her for 2 and half years. And my kids think I’m a great dad, but they don’t know that sometimes I hear these voices that I can’t see.
And Jesus I am too embarrassed to go to a therapist or psychiatrist. And Lord I have no idea of how to come clean to my wife. I mean Jesus I go to church week after week. But I feel nothing. I feel empty. I feel like I am dead to you. Like you have just forgotten about me. And I’m scared my Lord. The truth is Jesus I don’t love you. I really hate you because you haven’t answered my prayers to give me the strength to break off things with Lydia. And Lord, you haven’t answered my prayers to just give me some peace, because Lord I am really doing wrong. I feel like my business has become all about money, and I am not even trying to take care of my employees. I feel like I am like a zombie on auto pilot. My life is meaningless Lord. And I really just want to leave you and leave church and just start over. But Lord I am a Deacon and I just can’t quit that. What would people think? Lord I am so scared. But what I am most afraid of, is that if I stop believing in you that I will go to hell forever. And I am also scared that if I get out of the lies that I am telling everyone and just come clean, they will reject and judge me and I’ll be left with nothing. Jesus I need you so badly. Please hear me. Help me. For I am so lost. Everyone thinks that I have so much together, but I am lost Savior. And I know that grace is supposed to give us assurance, but I believe in my soul my Lord, that if I die tonight, I will writhe in eternal torment forever. That’s why I just couldn’t do it. I am a coward on all levels Savior.”
Adam began to weep, but as he wept he heard a voice rise up in his belly. The voice said, “Adam I have chosen you and I love you. I cherish you. I know that you are cheating on your wife and I still cherish you. I know that you have lost a sense of mission with your business, and I still cherish you. I know that you feel trapped between the pain that you feel and the life that you present to others. And I definitely still cherish you. There is nothing that you can do, which would cause me not to cherish you.
“Lord if you cherish me so much then why are you not answering my prayers. And doesn’t it say in scripture that if we deny you then you will deny us before your angels. How can you say that there is nothing I can do to make you stop cherishing me? I know that if I renounce you or forsake you, then I am bound for hell!! What are you saying Lord?” Adam prayed. And then Adam began to think to himself, “Oh my God, I’ve really lost it. Now I am talking to voices as though they are Jesus. Oh my God, I am really screwed now!!” But as Adam was having these thoughts he heard the voice again, “Adam, you are not crazy. The voices you hear is a condition that can be solved with medication. But I am not those voices, I am your sovereign Lord.”
Then Adam prayed, “Lord how can I trust that it is you talking to me.” And the voice said, “When you were three years old your Sunday School preschool teacher fondled you and he told you to never tell anyone. And you didn’t.” Adam’s eye’s open wide open!! “Oh my God Lord, it is you!” Adam prayed, “Jesus if you cherish me so much then how come you never gave me the strength to tell Lydia I was married and to be honest with my wife?” The voice answered, “Perhaps I am answering those prayers now. Perhaps my speaking to you in this way is an answer to those prayers.” Adam sighed, a deep sigh of relief and prayed, “Jesus, thank you for talking to me. I mean thank you so much for talking to a wretched sinner like myself. But Lord, I am still scared. Even though you are speaking so gently and kind to me, I fear you Lord. And scriptures say that ‘the fear of the Lord is the beginning of all wisdom’. But Jesus, I don’t feel wisdom, just dread.”
The voice answered, “Little adam. Little precious Adam. Let me ask you a question. Do you believe that you got saved from eternal hell when you confessed me as Lord and Savior?” Adam prayed, “Yes Lord.” The voice responded, “So really you believe that your salvation is a function of something you have done by choosing to believe that I am Lord.” “Yes Lord” Adam responded, it says in scripture, “That if we confess with our mouths the Lord Jesus and believe in our hearts that he has been raised from the dead, then we shall be saved!” The voice answered, “Dear Adam, Paul was one of my greatest servants and he was a genius. And scripture is holy and true. But I ask you which is greater? Me or the scripture that writes about me?” Adam answered, “You Jesus!!”
The voice responded, “Then dear Adam, what if I was to tell you, that what I did on the cross was not a possibility but a finality. What if I told you Adam that what I did when I died on the cross and rose from the dead was not the creation of the possibility for salvation but was rather something that made your salvation inevitable. Yes, confession may be part of the process, but my son, what if I was to tell you that because of what I did on that cross so many years ago, not only is your eternal happiness assured, but the eternal happiness of all is an inevitability?”
Adam prayed, “Lord, to be honest. If that is true, then it is the best thing that I have ever heard in my life!!” The voice responded, “It is true my son!! I loved all on that cross and my victory on that cross was for all, not some, but all!!!” Adam felt peace well up within him for the first time in years. He prayed, “Jesus thank you, I can tell you honestly that I no longer feel lost. But I truly feel saved. What can I do for you to express my gratitude for this gift you have given me?” The voice responded, “My son you can do one thing, you can ask me for Joy, because Joy is the only thing you need to set things right.” Adam prayed, “Alright Jesus, please give me joy.” And as soon as Adam asked he felt a warm chill going throughout his body, and elation flowing from his belly throughout his body like a geyser. He prayed, “Jesus when I started talking to you tonight, I thought that you had let me down. But now I realize that you don’t let any of us down. You let us learn through the suffering we feel, but you are always there to set us free when the time is right. I am going to do what I must!!” The voice responded, “Well done my Son!! Go do what you must!! But remember my love for you is forever!! And it is impossible for you or anyone else to fall out of my Sovereign mercy and grace!!!”
Adam got off from the floor, grabbed his cell phone and called Lydia. Lydia picked up the phone, “Hello!” She said. Adam said, “Lydia, you are a great person, but what we are doing is wrong and it has to stop now. I will not be calling you or visiting with you again.” Lydia, said, “Adam, I understand. You’re a kind man and I will miss you. But I agree that what we have been doing is wrong, and it must come to an end!! Please pray for me dear friend, because I have to sort some things out, so that this doesn’t happen again.” Adam responded, “You can count on it Lydia, God Bless You!!!
Adam then went upstairs to his bedroom where his wife was asleep. He woke her up and said, “Myriam, I have never stopped loving you, but I have been having an extramarital affair for 2 and ½ years. It is over now. I accept any decision you make. Divorce or anything. But I just ask that you forgive me for betraying the best thing that ever happened to me.
Myriam began to weep. “Adam!!” she said. “Don’t you think I knew?!!! I’ve known this whole time. You’re really not that great a liar. But I love you Adam!! I love you so much that I just didn’t know how to confront you about it. It will take counseling, but I will forgive you. Because I know who you are!! I know the good man that you are!!” Adam grabbed Myriam tight!! And he said, “Myriam, you are truly the best thing that has ever happened to me. And things will change!! I will cherish you. I will be totally devoted to you as Jesus is totally devoted to me. And Myriam, I tell you. I talked to Jesus tonight. And he has saved all!! No one goes to hell forever sweet love. No one!!” Myriam responded with tears in her eyes, “Adam, I’ve known that for quite a while too and I have been praying for you to see it!!” Adam grabbed his wife and wept in her arms. And then he began to feel doubt. “But Myriam how do we tell the folks at church about this, you know they’ll think we’re crazy.” Myriam laughed, “Dear husband, maybe we don’t have to tell them anything. Maybe us knowing is enough for now. Let’s take it slow. One step of grace at a time” Adam smiled, “Myriam, you really are much more than I deserve!!” Myriam laughed, “I know, but isn’t that God’s nature to give us blessings so beautiful that we know in the final analysis that we don’t deserve them.” Adam laughed, “Yes maam!! And I’ll tell you Myriam things have to change at Nashville billing too. I’ve got to start getting our employees better benefits, and I’ve got to start finding ways for them to better enjoy their jobs. Because happy employees are loyal employees!” And Myriam wept. “Why are you crying honey?” Myriam answered, “I’m crying because I feel like for the first time in a long time I am staring at the man that I married.”